Dear Dairy

Dear DairyYep. Dear Dairy – not a typo.

Ever keep a diary or a journal? Yeah, us neither.

So why not start now?

Follow along as we delves into…well…whatever it is that he delves into.

Diary Entry for Day 114: In a Pickle

Brian Gerard : 08/12/2018 : Dear Dairy

We definitely want to find veggies and fruits that do well here and maybe sell a few or at least cook with them. We are experimenting. Here’s something we learned:

Six cucumber plants may be too many…

…especially if it rains 10 inches every month.

We have have a few hundred cukes thus far. And now we are getting massive ones. Some are bigger than my very large head, as you can see in the picture.

Giant Cuke

I have run out of ways to make them and we have many, many, many jars of pickles.

Speaking of pickles, I have no idea how I realized this, but the number to the F.B.I. in Boston is 617-742-5533. You know what that spells?


Do you know what I used to do?

I used to wait for people to walk into the room or office and I would be laughing hysterically. They would ask why.

“Oh…HAHA… my…HA…god. I just heard….SNORT… the funniest pickle…GUFFAW…joke ever!”

Naturally, they’d ask where and I would tell them that it’s a free phone line…just call 617-PICKLED.

They would and I would pee myself as they slammed down the reciever.

One time I worked in a Call Center and it was a slow Friday or something, so we decided to see how many people we could add on a conference call. When it got up to around 30 or so I said “Hang on. I got one more!”

I connected to 1-617-PICKLED.

“Hello. F.B.I.”


PS: The number has since changed to 857-386-2000. That doesn’t really spell anything. I blame me.


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Diary ENTRY for Day 104: Sounds of Silence

Brian Gerard : 08/02/2018 : Dear Dairy, Humor


Dear Diary:

Sweet Jesus, it’s quiet out here…

I mean, quiet from the sounds of humans.

I am very aware of the sound of the refrigerator… and the wind… and bugs smacking into my super clean windows. Of course, they aren’t clean anymore because said bugs leave squishy marks on said windows.

Brian is QuietMost days, with Karie out, I don’t speak to anyone until very late in the afternoon.

The dog doesn’t help me since she is deaf.

It’s okay. I resort to using different voices. I love the guy who makes my lunch sandwiches.

The hot chcick/drag queen (Maple St. Lee) really gets dancing to the music booming from the outdoor speakers.

I tried to talk to the hummingbirds the other day but they are very flighty.

Until next time,


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Diary Entry 10: Shower Liner Season

Brian Gerard : 02/12/2018 : Dear Dairy


Dear Diary,

Did you know that it is Shower Liner Season?

What is that?

Well, it’s when I come to the realiztion that it is time to change out the shower liner. It just takes a bit of time. Hence, why I refer to it as a season.

It all starts while showering one day and thinking “Hey. I could use a new shower liner.” I then do this for the next 20 days or so…

Until, I finally breakdown and actually buy said shower curtain liner.

But the season doesn’t end there. I hate hanging shower liners. My arms get really tired doing it. (I know. I know. Poor baby.)

So I put the liner on the bathroom vanity. It stays there for two weeks as if I am showing bathroom guests that “Coming soon! New shower liner! Check out our Facbook page. #theseason.”

Then I muster the courage (sometimes in liquid form) to hang the liner. I start with the first hook, trying to still keep the shower curtain attached… which it doesn’t. As I progress, I come to the realiztion that I have an extra hook.


So I go back on the liner and count the grommets (What a fun word!) and it dawns on me that it wasn’t Lin Shao who made an imperfect curtain. It was me not being able to accomplish a seemingly easy tasks.

Ow. My arms.

Finally, it is all done and I am sweaty. Boy do I need a shower. I jump in, turn the water on, and promptly pass out from the overwhelming smell of plastic.

Until next season,



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Diary Entry 9: Tinkle

Brian Gerard : 02/09/2018 : Dear Dairy


Dear Diary,

It’s the middle of the night.

I’m awake but my wife isn’t.

Both reasons involve pee.

She needs ambient sound to fall asleep. Her choice tonight is an app that plays the sound of rain.

It was a free app.

So it sounds like four people peeing on dried leaves.

It works for her so she won’t believe me.

I am going to get dried leaves in the morning.

Do you know four people who would pee on them?

Until tomorrow,


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Diary Entry 8: Poop, and Not the Good Kind

Brian Gerard : 02/05/2018 : Dear Dairy


Dear Diary,

I really like my new Doctor. She gets me.

Recently, she changed one of my meds to Zoloft… yep, it helps with the voices.

I had been on Prozac, which stunned her. She considered it outdated. She also wondered if I suffered from chronic diarrhea. I guess it is a prevalent side effect. I assured her I was good.

She then asked about how many milligrams. I told her and she said that was a strong amount but then again it was an older drug, so things were made stronger. She said the next dose up was the highest and she wouldn’t give that even to an elephant.

I looked at her and said “You do know what you just made me visualize.”

“Yes, of course.” she replied. “Elephant Diarrhea.”

Have I mentioned that I really like my new doctor and that she gets me?

Until tomorrow,


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