So there I was, living with this woman who thought she could float out of her body like some kind of spiritual gymnast. She had all these books about chakras and energy fields and how to escape your flesh, which seemed like a pretty good idea considering the shape mine was in after years of cheap whiskey and cheaper women.
We’d been fucking and fighting for about two years when she finally looked at me one morning over her organic granola and said, “That’s it, you bastard.” But neither of us had enough money to get the hell out of that shitty apartment on Normandie, so we took separate rooms like some kind of metaphysical divorce.
The thing is, she left all her mystical bullshit lying around, and after a few nights of listening to her chanting through the thin walls, I figured what the hell. Maybe there was something to this astral projection crap. Maybe I could float right out of this dump and check out what was happening in Vegas or maybe just hover over the liquor store and see when they got their next shipment.
So I swiped one of her books – “Journey Out of Body” or some such horseshit – and decided to give it a shot. The book said I had to relax and concentrate on leaving my physical form behind. It talked about chakras and energy centers and all this cosmic garbage that made about as much sense as a tax return.
One night, after three beers and a bologna sandwich, I’m standing there in my underwear in the middle of the room, trying to align my chakras, whatever the fuck those are. I’m concentrating real hard, picturing myself floating up to the ceiling like a drunk angel, focusing on my breathing and my energy or some such nonsense, when suddenly everything goes black.
Next thing I know, I’m face-first in the closet doors with blood on my lip and a bruise forming on my forehead. And there she is, standing in the doorway in her ratty bathrobe, looking at me like I just took a shit on her meditation cushion.
“Well,” she says, calm as you please, “there’s my fucking book.”
Turns out the only thing that left my body that night was my dignity. And about three dollars worth of beer.
