Here is my Out of Office reply for the upcoming holiday season.

Dear Team,

I will be out of the office from December 21, 2025 until January 6th, 2025, and potentially longer depending on ongoing litigation.

Much to my chagrin, I am currently dealing with an unprecedented housing crisis that has escalated beyond all reasonable expectations. My gingerbread residence at 416 Cookie Crumb Lane has not only been served with an immediate foreclosure notice by M.I.C.E. (Mousehold Investment & Credit Enterprise), but the situation has devolved into what legal experts are calling “the most delicious property dispute in recorded history.”

The crisis began when an aggressive mouse family, led by CEO Cheddar P. Whiskers III, identified structural vulnerabilities in my load-bearing candy canes and initiated a hostile takeover of my entire sugar-based real estate portfolio. Their 47-page geological survey (conducted by Squeaky & Associates Confectionery Consultants) revealed that my property was built on what they’re claiming is “premium nesting substrate” with “unparalleled crumb density.”

Despite my best efforts to maintain the property’s integrity with regular applications of off-brand royal icing (a cost-saving measure I now deeply regret), their legal team – Whiskers, Cheesecrumb, & Associates, LLP – has cited multiple catastrophic code violations, including:

• Insufficient peppermint stick reinforcement in primary support columns (apparently I should have used industrial-grade candy canes, not the decorative holiday ones from Dollar Tree)
• Non-regulation thickness of graham roof tiles (building code requires minimum 0.5″ thickness; mine were barely 0.3″)
• Unauthorized licorice extensions added during last year’s renovation (I didn’t know I needed permits for candy plumbing)
• Illegal gum-drop foundation poured without proper marshmallow underlayment
• Frosting applied in violation of city ordinance 24.7-B (“No Danish butter cookies shall be used as mortar substitute”)
• Sprinkle distribution patterns that allegedly create “attractive nuisance” conditions for neighborhood pest populations
• Chocolate chip installation that failed to meet seismic safety standards (apparently they need to be semi-sweet, not milk chocolate)

The situation has been further complicated by the discovery that my homeowner’s insurance (Fairy Tale Mutual) has a clause specifically excluding “acts of coordinated rodent financial warfare.” Their claims adjuster, a surprisingly unhelpful cricket named Jiminy, informed me that my policy only covers “traditional wolf-based property damage” and “standard witch-related home invasions.”

I will be spending the upcoming two weeks (possibly longer) consulting with multiple emergency response teams:

1. Top architectural firms specializing in confectionery construction and emergency gingerbread stabilization
2. Installing military-grade security features including motion-detecting sprinkles, laser-guided gumdrops, and a sophisticated early warning system made entirely of Pop Rocks
3. Negotiations with the International Brotherhood of Dessert Contractors regarding emergency structural reinforcements using aerospace-grade fondant
4. Meeting with my crisis management team from Cookie Monster Crisis Communications
5. Consulting with a specialized therapist who deals with “Hansel and Gretel PTSD” (apparently this is more common than you’d think)

Access to email will be severely limited as the mice have not only eaten my router’s fruit cake casing, but have also established what appears to be their own competing internet service provider called “CheeseNet.” They’re currently offering “premium nibbling packages” and have somehow hijacked my WiFi to broadcast continuous advertisements for artisanal cheese futures.

Additionally, the mouse legal team has filed an injunction preventing me from using any electronic devices with sugar-based components, which unfortunately includes my laptop (the spacebar is made of compressed cake frosting – long story) and my phone (I decorated it with edible glitter last Christmas and apparently that voids my rights under the Digital Confectionery Communications Act of 2019).

The mice have also retained the services of a public relations firm (Tail & Whiskers Media Solutions) and have been releasing daily press statements claiming I’m running an “unsafe sugar trap operation” and demanding I be investigated by the Department of Candy Safety. They’ve somehow gotten the local news involved, and Channel 7’s investigative team is doing a three-part exposé called “Sweet Dreams or Sugar Nightmare? The Dark Side of Gingerbread Gentrification.”

In an unprecedented move, the mice have also filed for adverse possession of my property under something called “Right of Nutritional Necessity” and are arguing that their ancestors established “crumb rights” dating back to the original construction in 2019. Their historical consultant (Dr. Nibbles, PhD in Breadcrumb Archaeology) has provided documentation suggesting my property was built on an ancient mouse burial ground made entirely of cookie crumbs.

Emergency contact information:

• My crisis hotline: 1-800-HELP-CAKE
• My lawyer: Goldilocks, Goldilocks & Goldilocks (they specialize in home invasion cases)
• My therapist: Dr. Red Riding Hood (she understands woodland trauma)
• Emergency gingerbread repair: 1-800-FIX-HAUS

Please note: If anyone receives suspicious emails from my address offering “premium cheese futures,” “investment opportunities in artisanal crumb derivatives,” or “timeshare opportunities in luxury mouse condominiums,” please disregard immediately and forward to our IT security team. The mice have not only gained access to my contact list but have apparently started their own multi-level marketing scheme using my professional relationships.

Also, if anyone tries to schedule meetings with you claiming to represent “Whiskers & Associates Consulting” or “Mousehold Property Management Solutions,” please verify their credentials carefully. We have reason to believe they’re actually just very sophisticated mice wearing tiny business suits.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and hope to return to normal human housing (with standard boring non-edible walls) as soon as possible.

Desperately yours,

Brian P. Crumbleton Senior Associate, Currently Displaced Former Resident of 416 Cookie Crumb Lane Current Resident of Mom’s Basement (mice-free since 1987)

P.S. – My LinkedIn profile has been temporarily hijacked by the mice and currently lists my job title as “Chief Crumb Officer” and my education as “University of Hard Knocks (Nibbling Division).” I am working with LinkedIn support to resolve this, but they keep transferring me to someone named “Mickey” who just squeaks at me.

P.P.S. – The mice have also started a Yelp review campaign against me. If you see any reviews for “Brian’s Gingerbread Palace” claiming “too much sugar, not enough cheese variety” or “owner unreasonably hostile to legitimate property inspections,” please mark them as spam.

This message was typed on a borrowed laptop. All edible electronics have been surrendered to legal authorities pending investigation.