[SCENE: A pristine suburban kitchen. Classical music plays softly. A mother in pearls sets a bowl of plain oats in front of her son]
MOTHER: Now Timothy, eat your sensible breakfast—
[EXPLOSION SOUND. The kitchen door BURSTS open. A wild-haired man in a lab coat crashes through, riding a shopping cart]
DR. OHNO: DID SOMEONE SAY… SENSIBLE?!
[Thunder crashes. Lightning flashes. The cereal mascot “CAPTAIN TATAS” – a deranged-looking rooster wearing aviator sunglasses – swoops down from the ceiling on a tiny parachute]
CAPTAIN TATAS: NOT ON MY WATCH, BUCKAROO!
[The Captain karate-chops the bowl of oats. It explodes into confetti. He pulls out a box of Hot Nipples – the cereal pieces are shaped like tiny perky marbles, all light-brown in color]
ANNOUNCER: (dramatic voice-over) HOT NIPPLES! The cereal that doesn’t just wake you up… IT MAKES YOU STAND UP AT ATTENTION!
[Cut to: Timothy pouring the cereal. Each piece that hits the bowl makes a different sound effect – air horns, car alarms, foghorns, screaming goats]
TIMOTHY: Wow! It’s like a symphony of chaos!
[He takes a bite. His hair immediately stands straight up. His eyes glow. He starts speaking in fast-forward]
TIMOTHY: (super fast) Mom-I-can-see-through-time-and-I-think-the-mailman-is-actually-three-raccoons-in-a-trench-coat! And-your-boyfriend!
MOTHER: (deadpan) That’s nice, dear. I suppose everyone will be just as thrilled when I give them some Hot Nipples.
[Cut to: Various “testimonials” – all clearly actors in ridiculous situations]
SATISFIED CUSTOMER #1: (hanging upside down from a chandelier) Before Hot Nipples, I was just a boring accountant. Now I’m a boring accountant who is a pervert!
SATISFIED CUSTOMER #2: (standing in a kitchen that’s somehow on fire but she’s completely calm) My husband said this cereal was “too intense.” That’s why I divorced him and married this cereal! (holds up a ring made of cereal pieces) Plus it tastes even better when I am lactating. Everyone loves when I fill up a bowl.
[Cut back to kitchen. CAPTAIN TATAS is now juggling flaming breakfast items]
CAPTAIN TATAS: With 47 essential vitamins, 23 non-essential vitamins, and one vitamin we just made up called Vitamin AAAAHHHHH!
DR. OHNO: (still in shopping cart, now somehow going in circles on the ceiling) Plus it’s got enough sugar to power a small aircraft carrier!
[The kitchen begins to vibrate. Picture frames fall off walls]
ANNOUNCER: Hot Nipples! Available in three arousing flavors: Hot Chocolate, Winter Breeze, and New! Extra Perky!
[Timothy is now vibrating so fast he’s just a blur]
TIMOTHY: (vibrating voice) I can see every decision I’ve ever made and I regret NOTHING! I love you Mommy. Thanks for the Hot Nipples!
[Cut to mandatory health warning, spoken at lightning speed while footage shows people doing increasingly absurd things after eating the cereal – running up walls, communicating with houseplants, etc.]
SPEED ANNOUNCER: Sideeffectsmayincludetemporarysuperpowershallucinationsabilitytoheardogthoughtsanduncontrollableurgeto-reorganizeyourspicerackalphabeticallyHotNipplesisnotresponsibleforanyinterdi-mensionalriftsthatmayoccurinyourkitchenorbedroom!
[Final shot: The entire family is now floating in the air, spinning slowly, while the house shakes around them]
WHOLE FAMILY: (in perfect harmony while rotating) ♪ Hot Nipples! ♪
CAPTAIN TATAS: (saluting as he rockets out through the roof) REMEMBER KIDS – CHAOS IS THE BREAST MEAL OF THE DAY!
[Logo appears: A cartoon explosion with the cereal box in the center]
ANNOUNCER: Hot Nipples. Start your day with MAXIMUM PLEASURE!
[Quiet text at bottom: “Not recommended for children under 47, adults over 12, or anyone planning to operate heavy machinery, light machinery, or regular-weight machinery.”]
[FADE TO BLACK]
