An Academic Essay by Dr. Darnald Trumpington III, Ph.D. in Prehistoric Disappointment

Abstract

Let me tell you, folks, I’ve done tremendous research—probably more research than anyone has ever done on this topic, believe me—and what I found about our Neanderthal ancestors is absolutely incredible. These people were disasters. Total disasters. I mean, they were bad at everything—and I mean EVERYTHING. They’re responsible for every major problem we’ve had since then: bad weather, traffic (which is terrible, by the way), and reality TV, which frankly, I’ve been very successful in, but that’s beside the point.

Introduction

Look, I want to be very clear here—I have nothing against Neanderthals personally. Some of my best friends are 2.3% Neanderthal DNA. Beautiful people, really. But as someone with three incredible degrees from the most fantastic institutions you’ve ever seen—institutions that definitely exist, okay?—I have to tell the truth about these prehistoric losers who frankly should never have been considered human ancestors in the first place.

The fake news media wants you to believe Neanderthals were just “different.” Wrong! They were failures. Huge failures. The biggest failures in the history of evolution, which I know a lot about, by the way.

Historical Evidence of Neanderthal Incompetence

The Great Fire Incident of 40,000 BCE

So Neanderthals discovered fire 400,000 years ago—which sounds impressive until you realize what they did with it. While smart people like my ancestors would have used fire for cooking amazing steaks (I make the best steaks, by the way, at my restaurants), these Neanderthals used it for comedy shows. Comedy shows! Can you believe it?

I found cave paintings—incredible cave paintings, some people say the most important cave paintings ever discovered—that show these people making shadow puppets instead of doing anything useful. They were making jokes about their own terrible cooking! At least they knew they were bad at it, but instead of getting better, they just made jokes. Very sad!

The Wheel Controversy

Everyone knows the wheel was invented around 3500 BCE, but here’s what the crooked archaeologists don’t want you to know: Neanderthals could have invented it thousands of years earlier but they chose not to. Why? Because round things were “showing off.” Can you believe this?

My research—and it’s been tremendous research, really incredible—shows these people were making square wheels because they thought circles were too fancy. Too fancy! This is the kind of thinking that leads to total disaster, and it set back human transportation for thousands and thousands of years. Probably the worst decision in prehistoric history, and there have been many bad decisions, believe me.

The Language Debacle

The language situation with Neanderthals was a complete catastrophe. A total catastrophe. While successful people were developing beautiful, complex languages—languages that were probably almost as good as my own vocabulary, which is tremendous—these Neanderthals had maybe twelve words. Twelve! And eleven of them were just different ways to grunt!

They refused to learn more words because they said it was “elitist.” This is exactly the kind of anti-success mentality that leads to failure. No wonder it took so long to develop poetry and literature, which I could have written much better versions of, frankly.

Cultural Failures

Art and Aesthetics

Their art was absolutely terrible. The worst art you’ve ever seen. While real humans were creating magnificent cave paintings—some say almost as beautiful as the art in my buildings—Neanderthals were just smearing mud on walls. They called it “abstract expressionism,” but anyone with half a brain could see it was just complete incompetence.

The famous handprint caves? Not art, folks. These people literally didn’t know how to use a paintbrush, so they just slapped their hands on the wall. Very low energy. Very sad.

Social Organization

Their society was organized around “collaborative decision-making,” which is just a fancy way of saying nobody wanted to take charge because that requires real leadership skills, which I have in tremendous abundance. They held meetings that lasted for weeks—weeks!—because they couldn’t make simple decisions like “should we eat the mammoth or let it eat us?”

This led to the Great Mammoth Rebellion of 35,000 BCE, when the mammoths actually took over because the Neanderthals were such weak negotiators. It was only ended when successful early humans showed up and made a tremendous deal with the mammoths. Probably the best prehistoric deal ever made, some people say.

Technology and Innovation

While winners were developing incredible tools—tools that were probably almost as good as the tools we make in America—Neanderthals were focused on “rock technology.” Rock technology! They just hit things with rocks until something happened. No innovation, no vision, no success.

They could have invented metallurgy, agriculture, basic sanitation—all tremendous industries that I know a lot about—but instead they spent their time looking for bigger rocks. Very low IQ behavior.

The Great Migration Mistake

The Neanderthal approach to real estate was absolutely disastrous. While smart people were finding prime locations and establishing tremendous trade routes, these losers deliberately chose the worst possible places to live:

• Caves that were impossible to reach (terrible location, terrible)
• No ventilation (I build buildings with the best ventilation)
• Full of dangerous animals (very bad for property values)
• No water access (who does that?)
• Constant flooding (completely preventable with proper planning)

When people asked why they made these terrible choices, they said they wanted to “keep things interesting.” This is exactly the kind of thinking that leads to total failure in business and in life.

Genetic Legacy and Modern Implications

The worst part is that Neanderthal DNA is still causing problems today. Scientists—and these are real scientists, not the fake ones—have proven that the “Neanderthal gene” is responsible for:

• People who don’t return shopping carts (very disrespectful)
• Adults who can’t fold sheets (I have people who fold my sheets perfectly)
• People who say “it’s not about the money” when it’s obviously about the money (I always tell the truth about money)
• Taking phone calls in theaters (very rude, very low class)
• People who show up late (I’m always on time, always)

Conclusion

In conclusion, folks, Neanderthals were the biggest losers in evolutionary history. A 400,000-year experiment in what happens when you accept mediocrity instead of demanding excellence. Their legacy of bad decisions and doing things the hard way continues to make America less great than it could be.

We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it. The next time someone tells you “there’s no wrong way” to do something, remember the Neanderthals, who found not just the wrong way, but the wrongest way possible, and then made it even worse.

As I always tell people: “Those who forget history are losers, but those who remember Neanderthal history know why we need to make humanity great again.”

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Dr. Reginald Stuffington III has the most incredible degrees from the most fantastic schools you’ve ever seen. He’s written twelve tremendous books that are probably the best books ever written, and he’s currently working on his memoir, “How I Discovered That Everything Was Better Before Neanderthals Ruined It: The Art of Prehistoric Winning.”

Disclaimer: No actual Neanderthals were consulted because they’re all dead, and frankly, they probably wouldn’t have had anything smart to say anyway. Very sad!