A stage at a resort in the Catskills.

Comic, adjusts tie, clears throat

So I’m sitting in a hotel bathroom the other day – and let me tell you, at my age, that’s where I spend most of my vacation – when I see the toilet paper says “Angel Soft.”

Angel Soft! I’m thinking, what do they know from angels? Have you SEEN an angel lately? These guys are all skin and bones! They look like they haven’t had a good brisket in centuries! And don’t get me started on the one with the eating disorder – that meshuga angel is so skinny, when she turns sideways she disappears! ba-dum-tss

But they call it “Angel Soft” – meanwhile, these angels got WINGS! You know what wings are made of? Feathers! And feathers, my friend, they made quill pens! Sharp! Pointy! George Washington probably took somebody’s eye out signing the Constitution! “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of – OW, MY RETINA!”

So now I’m wondering – where exactly did they test this product? What focus group did they use? “Excuse me, Archangel Michael, could you bend over for a minute? We need to see how you wipe!” I tell you, I’d love to try that myself – I’m a devil that way! winks

And speaking of things that don’t make sense – “happy as a clam.” HAPPY? You ever look at a clam? These things got no expression! Nothing! My Uncle Morty after his stroke shows more emotion!

What’s a clam got to be happy about anyway? People are constantly trying to eat their kishkes! Their house cracks under pressure! Some schmuck in a beach chair steps on them! If I was a clam, I’d be plotzing left and right!

throws hands up

I tell you, the whole world is meshuga! But hey – tip your waitress, try the veal!