First thing you need to do, if you want, is to slow-cook a corned beef brisket. Basically, put it in your slow cooker with some salt and pepper. Add water to cover and then cook on high for about 4 hours.

You can buy prepared corned beef or another brisket but what fun is that, lazy ass?

Chop cauliflower into bite size pieces or smaller (I prefer nibbletization.). Steam or cook via favorite method until fork tender and set side.

Set heat to medium-high and add butter, onion, and jalapeno slices to skillet (Salt and pepper too if you wish.). Saute until onions translucent and fragrant.

Reduce heat slightly and add cooked brisket and zee cream cheese. If mixture begins to stick or cook too quickly, reduce heat a bit. Mix it up with a spoon-thing.

Continue cooking until cream cheese is heated through and easily stirred.

Turn off heat. Add sharp cheddar, heavy cream and cauliflower. Stir mixture quickly until all cheeses are melted and fully combined.

Put in bowls.

Sprinkle with scallions.

Eat it.