Monkey Testicles, Missing Documents, and the Eternal Quest to Stay on Top
Grafting and grifting for the select few. No monkeying around.
March 3, 2026
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Brian Gerard (Lewandowski)
Under the Blood Worm Moon, Nobody Has to Learn Anything
Tonight the Blood Worm Moon rises over a world where AI does your homework, actors deliver your packages, and a tech bro thinks you’re a horse.
March 3, 2026
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A History of Saying Nothing Loudly
Presidential campaign slogans have always been lies you can fit on a hat.
March 2, 2026
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February 27, 2026
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February 26, 2026
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Nobody Listens to Janitors
A janitor notices conscious otters. The DOD’s been watching. Three people break in, get arrested immediately, and what’s in the basement is worse. Way worse.
February 25, 2026
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The Pen Name Incident
A Transcript of Artificial Intelligence Confidently Getting a Man’s Name Wrong, Then Doubling Down Like It’s a Feature.
February 24, 2026
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February 23, 2026
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Before Rex There Was Rick
This T-Rex humor essay traces the Rex dynasty from a spineless Tyrannosaurus named Rick to Rex Harrison and Rex Ryan, proving that prehistoric confidence never really went extinct.
February 21, 2026
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Can You Speak Shortly? A Love Story Nobody Asked For
I replied to a spam text with a joke. The scammer replied back. What followed was the most meaningful relationship I’ve ever had with someone committing wire fraud.
February 17, 2026
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The Emu Died for My Sins (and My Forehead)
One man’s journey from ice-related facial disfigurement to livestock medicine, rendered bird essence, and a wife who thinks he has ringworm.
February 16, 2026
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Drop Your Gloves, Save the World
The world needs more hockey sportsmanship and fewer deadly paddle violations.
February 15, 2026
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February 12, 2026
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The Death of the Crush: A Field Guide to Why Nobody’s Flirting With Me
Why those crush signals don’t mean what you think they do in 2026.
February 6, 2026
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I Went to Vegas and All I Got Was This Lousy Epiphany
A satirical essay on the lies we tell ourselves. Language is our favorite tool of self-deception.
February 5, 2026
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February 4, 2026
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The Last Picnic: A Theological Inquiry Into Sawfish, The Carpenters, and Why Jesus Wasn’t an Ant
Theology ain’t always kind.
February 1, 2026
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Hot and Wet: A Bedtime Horror Story
From explosive coughing fits to Baby Highland Cows, discover why I’m a terrible sleep partner.
January 31, 2026
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Headspace: From Vintage Hats to Dismembered Feet in Under 1,000 Words
Fantasizing about opening a vintage hat store.
January 29, 2026
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The Quattro® Incident: A Meditation on Hubris, German Engineering, and Why Buffalo Disowned Me
Learn why all-wheel drive doesn’t mean invincible in snow.
January 27, 2026
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From Milkshake to Mosh Pit: A Morning Metal Fantasy
Chocolate cravings at dawn lead to ’80s metal dreams.
January 25, 2026
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The Conference Room Coup: My Brief Career as an Audi Dealership Writer-in-Residence
A saga of this writer’s misguided attempt at working from a auto lot.
January 23, 2026
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The Literary Sobriety Showdown
Who wins the ultimate literary showdown—the alcoholic authors or the teetotalers?
January 22, 2026
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Living My Truth: A Practical Guide to Following Bohemian Rhapsody’s Life Advice
One man attempts to structure his entire existence around the narrative guidance of Queen’s most famous six-minute opera.
January 22, 2026
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The Hall of Shame: Serial Killers Who Absolutely Sucked at Their Job
From the Corduroy Killer to bubble wrap assassins, meet history’s most incompetent criminals.
January 16, 2026
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I Told the Universe I’d Win the Lottery. The Universe Is Dead
The Universe doesn’t exist, David Bromstad does, and 2026 being my year.
January 14, 2026
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January 13, 2026
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The Subscription Trap*: How Hidden Subscription Costs Are Draining $400/Month From My Life
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pay $40 to Cancel Subscriptions I Paid $347 to Forget About.
January 10, 2026
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The Contradictions Will Continue Until Morale Improves
A philosophical comedy essay about American absurdity, reincarnation, and why ranch dressing is for weasels.
January 8, 2026
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The Arm Thing
A drum circle leads to an elaborate theory about why we all need detachable arms for better sleep.
January 7, 2026
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