Slop and Swill from a Festering Mind is a collection of many of the humorous essays Brian has penned over the years. Politically and topically in tune with the world, he has assembled such greats as Pia Zadora's Head, Sears Can Suck My Ass, and Golden Afro Jesus...along with a plethora of his stand-up bits and writing seen on his web site. Get it while the getting is good.
Mission Statement for E-Todd A friend of mine wants to offer an IPO in himself... basically you can buy shares of Todd. This is a great concept. He can basically finance his life and do nothing. This is not a farfetched reality if you really think about it. I mean, let's face it, most companies that played the IPO game still aren't showing a profit . and many are now completely toast. Still, people continue to plunk down cash to help these companies grow. People get excited and the only real tricky thing these companies do is slap an "e" before their name and voila, success is supposedly on the way. So my friend now is "e-Todd." I told him I would like to sit on his board. He looked at me strangely. No. No. Not in that way, I had to explain. I meant that he needed a Board of Directors. I would like to be one of those folks. That way I could help in the decision making process. I gave him ten bucks to do this. It was like venture capital. "Take this money. Improve e-Todd...READ MORE
get a hair cut, liposuction, shower
but you got to put me on your Board of Directors." He said okay. Naturally, once I got on the Board, I called a meeting. I mean what is a company if you don't have lots of meetings. I made my meeting completely useless and made sure we had catered lunch followed by Hot Buxom Mama Swedish Massages. Honestly, I can't say that the meeting was a total waste of time... important issues, aside from the side-effects of titillating massage maidens, did arise. I made one solid and trendy recommendation. I pointed out that e-Todd needed to have a "Mission Statement." It seems like the thing to do. Sit around with all the "important folks" at a company and tell the world what your Mission will be. Most are annoyingly fluffy and go something like this:
"Our Mission at XYZ Company is to foster a natural learning atmosphere where our force of committed staff shall provide the highest level of service to our customer in return for the satisfaction of knowing that we have a quality product that we as an entity can uphold."
I wonder if way back in the 15th Century we saw the dawn of this written verse with the explorers of the New World:
"To convert the natives to Catholicism, rape their women, and plunder their treasure... um... for the good of God, of course."
Basically, the first "Mission" Statement. At least that one would have been direct. Had we stuck to this trend and not let the weasels known as Marketing get hold of the process, a true mission statement would read: "Our Mission is to get all the cash from our customer's wallets while completely giving them the Big Ream Job... we will do this with a leering, sinister smile because we know that we have our lobby groups hands deep in the political pockets and if anyone would dare complain about us we would be absolved from all blame... so fuck the little people. We are Big Business. Ahahahahaha!"
Heres a no-frills one for plumbers:
"We will charge you too much money to get that hairball from your drain while you stare at our mighty, sexy, butt cracks longingly wanting us." With these examples in mind and knowing from the best marketing examples that we certainly couldn't be honest... um, excuse me... we certainly couldn't reveal too much "sensitive" information, I set about to concoct the "e-Todd Mission Statement." I looked at the basics. e-Todd wanted money. e-Todd didn't want to do anything for this money. e-Todd would always be e-Todd. This is what derived:
"e-Todd sets forth to develop a series of rich investment opportunities that will in turn allow e-Todd to develop into the most fulfilling and wonderful e-Todd possible. This in turn will continue a cycle of enrichment that will encourage the consumer to grow with e-Todd."
What was really said was: "With your money, e-Todd can be served a better Martini more often and in turn have way more fun and become more lovable, so keep that dinero rolling in!"COLLAPSE