COMING 2026! (Agent? Publisher? Contact me about this book!)
“Elliot Nessie” follows Vinny Vidivici, a down-on-his-luck private investigator whose biggest career achievement was tracking down missing pets until the Loch Ness Monster literally crashes through his office wall with a case. Nessie needs him to find Roy Mudson, a Mississippi mud monster who moonlights as a lifestyle guru dispensing wisdom about “finding your flow” and “authentic grounding experiences” to stressed-out corporate executives. What starts as a simple missing persons case quickly spirals into a corporate conspiracy involving RiverView Enterprises, a wellness company that wants to drain Roy’s primordial mud for weaponization purposes, and Dr. Silas Desiccant, a dehydration specialist whose professional nemesis is basic H2O.
Armed with the most unlikely team of informants in detective fiction—including Jerry the Raccoon (a reformed criminal mastermind who cheats at poker), Big Louie the philosophically-inclined catfish, and Greg (an interdimensional entity whose day job involves being various pieces of furniture)—Vinny stumbles into founding the Cryptid Protection Alliance, essentially a labor union for monsters. Between corporate mud extraction schemes, wellness tourism gone wrong, and Greg’s tendency to accidentally become the moon during stakeouts, Vinny discovers that protecting authentic spiritual experiences from corporate appropriation is significantly more complicated than finding cheating spouses. The result is a delightfully absurd tale where environmental activism meets supernatural comedy, proving that sometimes the best way to save the world is with a bucket, a really good filing system, and a raccoon wearing a tiny trench coat.
(Agent? Publisher? Contact me about this book!)
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His first manuscript was composed entirely of punctuation marks and confused sketches. He's since published "Not Bukowski" (poems that don't rhyme) and "Slop and Swell from a Festering Mind" (essays so concerning that bookstores check on his wellbeing). He once spent three hours photographing a rare bird that turned out to be a plastic bag, and he's the only person banned from church bake sales for "weaponized brownies." Inheriting absurdism from Vonnegut and Adams, sprawling narratives from Irving, and weaponized failure from Moore, he writes about conflicted everymen struggling through supernatural chaos.
He has two new, offbeat novels waiting foran agent or a publisher: "Truth Tastes Like Pennies" and "Elliot Nessie."
He remains unconvinced that birds aren't surveillance drones.
More biographic lies...err...info.
- Scientists Confirm Sperm Whales Have Language. Gary is pleased. - April 16, 2026
- The King Is Leaving Now. The Deer Is Not Doing Well. - April 15, 2026
- The Nobody Gets Away Café - April 13, 2026