LEGENDARY ROYAL THRONE SET – FREE TO GOOD HOME (OR BAD HOME, WE’RE NOT PICKY)
White wooden chairs with green cushioned seats of IMMENSE historical significance
These are no ordinary chairs, dear peasants. Her Royal Majesty Nancy Queen the Magnificent (distant 47th cousin of the actual Queen, twice removed by royal decree for “excessive enthusiasm about pudding”), Sovereign Ruler of the Greater Sunderland Metropolitan Backyard Kingdom, once graced these very seats with her royal posterior.
Nancy Queen (birth name: Nancy McQueen from Tesco) held court on these chairs for approximately 23 minutes before the Great Horse Poop Incident of last Tuesday. During her brief but illustrious reign, she issued three royal proclamations:
- All squirrels within a 50-foot radius must curtsy
- The neighbor’s wind chimes were hereby declared “a bit much”
- Tea time would commence immediately (it was 11:47 AM)
The chairs witnessed this entire royal spectacle until Her Majesty, while chasing what she claimed was an “assassin pigeon,” took a magnificent tumble directly into a fresh pile of what we can only assume was rebel horse propaganda. The chairs, being loyal subjects, absorbed some of the… essence… of this dramatic moment through pure proximity and royal sympathy.
Nancy Queen departed in her royal chariot (a 2003 Honda Civic with a wobbly shopping trolley wheel zip-tied to the bumper for “that authentic carriage sound”) but not before declaring the chairs “forever blessed with the divine right of slightly questionable hygiene.”
Current Condition:
- Structurally sound (unlike Nancy’s decision-making)
- Green cushions now feature an avant-garde pattern of mysterious stains
- One chair leg bears the sacred dent from when Nancy used it to demonstrate her “royal jousting technique” against a garden gnome
- All four chairs emit a faint aroma that can only be described as “rustic majesty with hints of barnyard rebellion”
- Previous owner’s crown (a paper Burger King hat with gems from a craft store) is included FREE
Ideal for:
- Aspiring monarchs on a budget
- Anyone who enjoys furniture with a story (and possibly a health warning)
- Outdoor dining with that authentic “medieval feast gone wrong” ambiance
- People who think normal chairs are too clean and lack sufficient royal scandal
Being a gentleman of impeccable breeding, I refrained from suggesting that Her Majesty might benefit from a thorough power-washing alongside the chairs. Though I must admit, the garden hose was RIGHT THERE.
FREE to whoever can convince me they understand the true value of slightly soiled royal furniture.
Pick-up on Clarks Tract. Bring your own hazmat suit. I mean… royal ceremonial cleaning attire.
No reasonable offers refused. Unreasonable offers encouraged.
See my Amazon author page and buy my books.
His first manuscript was composed entirely of punctuation marks and confused sketches. He's since published "Not Bukowski" (poems that don't rhyme) and "Slop and Swell from a Festering Mind" (essays so concerning that bookstores check on his well-being). He once spent three hours photographing a rare bird that turned out to be a plastic bag, and he's the only person banned from church bake sales for "weaponized brownies." Inheriting absurdism from Vonnegut and Adams, sprawling narratives from Irving, and weaponized failure from Moore, he writes about conflicted everymen struggling through supernatural chaos.
He has two new, offbeat novels waiting for an agent or a publisher: "Truth Tastes Like Pennies" and "Elliot Nessie."
He remains unconvinced that birds aren't surveillance drones.
More biographic lies...err...info.
- Marrakech v. America - May 5, 2026
- They Parachuted the Beaver - May 5, 2026
- Red Eye Has Nothing to Fear - May 2, 2026
