Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
He Typed All Of This And Then Pressed Enter
A man I have never met and will never meet appeared in my Facebook comments like a raccoon through a pet door, illuminated himself under the porchlight, and proceeded to explain congressional redistricting to me, a subject he demonstrably does not understand in any of its functional parts. He typed eighty-three words. The thumbs, I submit, were not his. The readers he was wearing were at least two diopters weaker than the occasion demanded. He may have mistaken the screen for a slightly different screen. He read the result back, or performed the small domestic ritual of appearing to. He decided it was finished. He pressed post. Somewhere, a keyboard is in hospice.
I am preserving the comment in full, because like the Voynich Manuscript and the dried fluids on a Greyhound armrest, it will one day be studied for what it reveals about the civilization that produced it.
“No Trump did NOT push Texas to redraw their map you fucking idiot. The one they has was outdated by years and years. Your party did it in California, Minnesota and Wisconsin thought dumb ass. FYI Dipshit. Texas and Florida will have to redo it again due to the millions of people that have moved there. You going to wet your panties again over that. Both California and NY should be forced to do theirs as well as that’s were everyone is leaving. They both need to lose EC votes.”
Let us proceed.
What He Claims About Texas
He says Trump did not push Texas to redraw its map. This is a lie you could fact-check with one finger and the screen brightness from a cracked iPhone in a dark parking lot. In July 2025, Donald Trump personally ordered Greg Abbott to redistrict Texas to carve out five new Republican seats. Abbott called the special session because Trump told him to. Trump then went on Truth Social and posted, in the exuberant all-caps of a man whose nurse has momentarily left the room, “TEXAS NEVER LETS US DOWN.” He took credit. In public. In writing. Forever. You can see it with your own two eyes unless you have gouged them out to remain untouched by evidence, which at this point I am entertaining as a working theory.
What He Claims About The Map Being “Outdated By Years And Years”
The 2021 Texas map was five years old. Five is not “years and years.” Five is a number you can show on one hand with a thumb left over to wag at Mexico. “Years and years” is the Library of Alexandria. “Years and years” is how long Moses wandered. Five years is how long it takes a bag of Fritos to become legally sentient in the back of an F-150. Call it five years. Move on.
What He Claims About California
He says “your party did it in California.” California redistricting has been handled since 2008 by an independent citizens commission, which is eighteen years of fact available to anyone with a library card, a pulse, and the capacity to read a single sentence all the way to the period. Fourteen regular people apply for the job the way you would apply to greet shoppers at a Walmart. Not Democrats. Not Gavin Newsom. Not George Soros in a wig. Fourteen strangers in cardigans. California only went around the commission in November of 2025, via Proposition 50, passed by voters, openly and explicitly as a counter-punch to what Texas had just done at Trump’s instruction. The sequence, for the slow reader, runs: Texas threw the first elbow, California threw the second. You are at the punch bowl insisting that actually the second guy started it. This is not an argument. This is a hostage note written by a man who has forgotten why he is holding himself hostage.
What He Claims About Wisconsin
He lists Wisconsin as an example of Democratic gerrymandering. Wisconsin’s congressional map was drawn by Republicans, and it was drawn so aggressively that in 2023 the state Supreme Court threw it out for violating the state constitution. You are accusing the Democratic Party of a crime the Republican Party was photographed committing, confessed to, and had to pay for in court. This is not a political disagreement. This is walking into a bank mid-robbery, pointing at the teller, and yelling “she did it.”
What He Claims About Minnesota
He also lists Minnesota, which I am choosing to believe he thinks might be a whole town near him he once got lost in. Minnesota’s maps were drawn by a court, not by Democrats, a detail he could learn by Googling literally the word “Minnesota.” I will not spend more time on this. The man is clearly just naming cold states.
What He Claims About Florida And Texas Redistricting “Again”
He writes that Texas and Florida will have to redo their maps “due to the millions of people that have moved there.” No. Redistricting follows the decennial census. The census is every ten years. The last one was 2020. The next one is 2030. Population shifts between censuses trigger a Zillow alert, not a redraw. This information is in every civics textbook that has not been removed from a school library for making a fifth grader ask a question.
What He Claims About The Electoral College
Finally, he demands that California and New York “lose EC votes.” My guy. They did. After the 2020 census, California dropped an electoral vote, and New York dropped an electoral vote. This took effect five years ago. The punishment you are currently demanding has already been delivered, served, digested, and passed. You are standing over the grave of a man you want executed. You are not owed this. It is done. Sit down. Drink water.
A Quick Note On The Prose
The man writes “were” when he means “where,” “thought” when he means “though,” “has” when he means “had,” and “Dipshit” with a capital D, as if it were the name of a starship under his command. I mention this not to be cruel about his spelling. His spelling is not the funniest thing about him. His spelling is just the evidence left at the scene. The thumbs, as established, were probably not his. The readers, as established, were weaker than the moment required. Somewhere a better-equipped man is sitting in a recliner wondering why his glasses and his hands have both gone missing, and the answer is that this guy needed them to explain the Voting Rights Act to a stranger on the internet. I mention this so that when he returns to inform me that I, a professional writer, do not understand redistricting, we are all clear on the relative weight of his expert opinion.
Now, Having Said All That, An Invitation
Sir. I want to come to you in a spirit of peace and outreach.
I would like to introduce you to an organization I believe you will love. It is called KALE. That stands for Kommunist Atheist Liberal Elitists, and it is essentially MAGA for the left, except we actually do all the things you have spent the last decade accusing us of, which means you would finally, at long last, be right about something.
You have already done the research. You have compiled the lore. You know what we allegedly believe better than most of our own members. You could deliver the orientation speech from memory. Come over. We saved you a chair. The chair is made of reclaimed barn wood and costs four hundred dollars and it is yours.
What Is In Your KALE Welcome Kit
- A canvas tote bag that reads “ASK ME ABOUT MY PRONOUNS.” Inside it is a smaller canvas tote. Inside that, an unresolved guilt.
- A subscription to NPR’s second most pretentious podcast, hosted by a woman named Piper who has opinions about fennel and a brother in the Peace Corps she is physically incapable of not mentioning.
- One (1) pair of Birkenstocks pre-broken-in by a philosophy adjunct named Declan. Declan’s feet were, and remain, his primary contribution to the humanities.
- A starter colony of composting worms, gender unspecified, referred to as they/them until they indicate otherwise, which they will, because our worms are articulate.
- A handwritten note from Barack Obama. The note is handwritten by us. We do not have his address. We light a candle on his birthday. This is normal and fine and please stop looking at us like that.
- A pamphlet titled Your Tax Dollars Are Being Eaten By An Antifa Supersoldier Named Gus, And Honestly Gus Has Earned Every Bite.
- One (1) drag brunch voucher, redeemable at any venue where the word “mimosa” is used as punctuation.
- A small laminated card confirming that yes, we are grooming your children. The grooming consists of teaching them to read, to vote, and to not hit the people they eventually marry. We apologize for the inconvenience.
A Partial List Of Your Fears, Already On Our Calendar
- CRT in schools. Tuesdays, 7 PM. Bring a notebook. Snack break at eight. The snack is a small cup of hummus and a judgment.
- Drag queens in libraries. Monthly. Her name is Anita Shower. She reads Sandra Boynton to toddlers and answers their self-esteem questions with more patience than you have shown any waiter in your life.
- Open borders. We run a welcoming committee. It is mostly casseroles. Brenda makes a green bean dish that will realign your internal organs along progressive lines. You will weep. You will want seconds. You will vote for bilingual signage within a week.
- Socialism. We serve it. The side salad is also socialism. The dressing is socialism. The croutons are socialism. It is socialism all the way down, like a very leafy, green turtle standing on another very leafy, green turtle.
The Sole Entry Requirement
To become a member of KALE, all you have to do is type three consecutive English words correctly, in a row, on a public platform, on purpose, without an autocorrect bailout.
I know. I am asking a lot.
Take your time. We’ll be here.
Composting.
See my Amazon author page and buy my books.
His first manuscript was composed entirely of punctuation marks and confused sketches. He's since published "Not Bukowski" (poems that don't rhyme) and "Slop and Swell from a Festering Mind" (essays so concerning that bookstores check on his wellbeing). He once spent three hours photographing a rare bird that turned out to be a plastic bag, and he's the only person banned from church bake sales for "weaponized brownies." Inheriting absurdism from Vonnegut and Adams, sprawling narratives from Irving, and weaponized failure from Moore, he writes about conflicted everymen struggling through supernatural chaos.
He has two new, offbeat novels waiting foran agent or a publisher: "Truth Tastes Like Pennies" and "Elliot Nessie."
He remains unconvinced that birds aren't surveillance drones.
More biographic lies...err...info.
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- I Am Not a Carwash Guy Either - April 17, 2026
