Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
On the heels of the Westminster Dog Show, I realized that I’ve heard a lot of funny dog breed names in my time, but I’m about to raise the bar. I’m holding out for a very specific dog. I want a Bulldog-Shih Tzu mix. Not because I care about temperament or hypoallergenic coats or whatever justifications people use to spend $3,000 on a puppy that looks like it was designed by a committee during a gas leak. No. I want this dog so that when people ask what breed he is, I can look them dead in the eye and say, “He’s a Bullshit.”
That’s the whole reason. That’s the entire plan.
People love telling you about their designer breeds now. “Oh, she’s a Labradoodle.” “He’s a Goldendoodle.” “This is my Schnoodle.” Cool, so you paid a mortgage payment for a mutt and a cutesy portmanteau. Congratulations. When someone tells me their dog is a Cockapoo, I just nod and say, “Oh, you mean a mutt.” They look at me like I’ve insulted their grandmother. No, I’ve just used the word we had before marketing got involved.
Funny Dog Breed Names Taken to Their Logical Conclusion
Anyway, I’m naming my Bullshit “Nipple.”
Can you imagine the joy of taking Nipple to a crowded park? Just standing there, hollering across the dog run: “NIPPLE! NIPPLE, COME!” Watching joggers slow down. Mothers covering their children’s ears. Some guy on a bench quietly calling the police.
“C’mere, Nipple. Good boy.”
And when someone finally works up the courage to ask what kind of dog he is, I get to whisper, with complete sincerity:
“Nipple is a Bullshit.”
I’ll sound like a man who has lost his tether to society. Which, honestly, fair.
Small-Batch Puppies and Other Ridiculous Dog Breed Names We Deserve
The whole designer dog thing has gotten out of hand anyway. We’ve got “doodle” variants of everything now. It’s only a matter of time before someone starts marketing artisan dogs. Small-batch puppies. “This Beagle was aged in a bourbon barrel for six months. You can really taste the oak.”
And if you want a cool dog? Get yourself a Hip Pointer.
I’ll see myself out.
Key Takeaways
- The author humorously desires a Bulldog-Shih Tzu mix, jokingly named ‘Bullshit’.
- He critiques the trend of designer dog breeds and their cutesy names, calling them ‘mutts’.
- The piece highlights the absurdity of dog breed names and imagines humorous scenarios with his dog ‘Nipple’.
- It pokes fun at the idea of artisan dogs and small-batch puppies, suggesting ridiculous marketing for dogs.
- The article emphasizes the comedic potential of silly dog breed names and societal reactions.
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His first manuscript was composed entirely of punctuation marks and confused sketches. He's since published "Not Bukowski" (poems that don't rhyme) and "Slop and Swell from a Festering Mind" (essays so concerning that bookstores check on his well-being). He once spent three hours photographing a rare bird that turned out to be a plastic bag, and he's the only person banned from church bake sales for "weaponized brownies." Inheriting absurdism from Vonnegut and Adams, sprawling narratives from Irving, and weaponized failure from Moore, he writes about conflicted everymen struggling through supernatural chaos.
He has two new, offbeat novels waiting for an agent or a publisher: "Truth Tastes Like Pennies" and "Elliot Nessie."
He remains unconvinced that birds aren't surveillance drones.
More biographic lies...err...info.
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