Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Or: What Facebook’s Friend Suggestions Revealed About Finding Character Naming Techniques… Manly (and Not-So-Manly) Men
Character Naming Techniques for Maximum Impact (and Innuendo)
Facebook suggested I befriend Dick Johnson today.
Dick. Johnson.
I sat there staring at his profile picture, probably flexing somewhere, I assume, and faced an existential crisis: Do I want Dick Johnson in my life? On one hand, the man’s name sounds like it could impregnate someone just by being spoken aloud in a crowded elevator. He probably walks into rooms, and women’s ovaries spontaneously start doing jumping jacks. His business card is printed on sheet metal.
On the other hand, the jokes. Sweet merciful Christ on a cracker, the jokes.
“Have you met my friend Dick Johnson? He’s huge in… marketing.”
“Dick Johnson’s coming over for poker night. The wives are suddenly very interested in learning Texas Hold ‘Em.”
“I just got a LinkedIn notification that Dick Johnson wants to connect professionally. I’m afraid to click ‘Accept’ at work. What if IT sees that? How do I explain I’m not searching for… that?”
The comedic potential is endless, though I’d probably spend half my life explaining to HR that yes, that’s his actual name, and no, I’m not being crude, his parents just had a wickedly dark sense of humor or were completely oblivious. Maybe both. Probably both.
Why Character Naming Techniques Matter More Than You Think
But this whole encounter got me thinking about character naming techniques again—specifically, the raw testosterone (or complete absence thereof) that certain names just exude. As authors, we’re making statements here. You don’t name your romantic lead “Dirk Steelrod” unless you want readers to know this man has never experienced performance anxiety in his life. And you don’t name your villain “Reginald Puddingsworth” unless the whole point is that he’s overcompensating for something. Several somethings.
The right name telegraphs everything about a character before they even open their mouth. It’s a promise, a warning label, a goddamn declaration of intent. Choose wisely, because once you’ve named someone “Flint Hardcastle,” you can’t have him order a half-caf soy latte without breaking the reader’s suspension of disbelief.
So let’s explore the extremes, shall we?
THE 5 MOST MANLY MAN NAMES (Character Naming Techniques for Alpha Males Who Make Viagra Feel Inadequate)
- Brick Hardcastle – Sounds like he was forged in the fires of Mount Doom by a blacksmith with anger issues. Women have orgasms just reading his name on a mailbox. He doesn’t have a blood type—he has a testosterone type. Shaves with a belt sander. His shadow has chest hair.
- Flint Steele – His cologne is called “Dangerous Machinery and Poor Decisions.” The bottle is made from a melted-down crowbar. His jawline has been registered as a deadly weapon in forty-seven states. Women have been hospitalized from looking at his profile too long. The diagnosis is always “acute arousal-induced syncope.”
- Blade Savage – Cuts his steak by staring at it with intent. He doesn’t cry—his tear ducts produce liquid plutonium. His gym membership had to be revoked because he kept impregnating the equipment. The bench press gave birth to twins. His knuckles have been banned from seven boxing leagues for being “fundamentally unfair to opponents and their bloodlines.”
- Axe Brawntide – Tide goes in, tide goes out. Axe Brawntide explains nothing, and you don’t dare ask. He doesn’t have DNA—he has TNT. Once made a bear apologize, then bought it dinner. The bear now pays child support and sends Christmas cards. Banned from three continents for “excessive virility.”
- Colt Knuckledust – Born with a five o’clock shadow and a mortgage pre-approval. His baby pictures show him benchpressing the obstetrician. His first words were “Give me the gun.” His mother still doesn’t talk about the delivery. Or the conception. Or that weekend in general. His heartbeat registers on the Richter scale.
THE 5 LEAST MANLY MAN NAMES (What Happens When Character Naming Techniques Go Horribly Wrong)
- Percival Whimpersnatch – This name sounds like a medical condition you’d Google at 3 AM and immediately regret. Writes erotic poetry about his feelings. The feelings have filed a restraining order. Cries during commercials for paper towels, especially the strong ones, because “they’re so brave.” He moisturizes twice daily yet still looks dehydrated. Carries a fainting couch in his trunk and uses it frequently.
- Nigel Peablossom – Brings his emotional support hedgehog to business meetings. The hedgehog’s name is “Mr. Snugglebottom,” and it wears a tiny vest. Nigel refers to his penis as “Timothy” and apologizes to it regularly. Timothy has given up. His dating profile lists his interests as “light dusting” and “controlled weeping.” Women swipe left so hard their phones crack.
- Preston Thistlebum – Makes artisanal candles that smell like “Autumn’s First Sigh” and “A Mother’s Gentle Disappointment in Her Son’s Life Choices.” Has never successfully parallel parked. Or regularly parked. Or achieved an erection without written instructions. His testosterone is so low, plants near him start producing estrogen. He doesn’t masturbate—he “engages in gentle self-affirmation.” It takes forty-five minutes and requires scented candles.
- Benedict Daffodil-Jones – Yes, the hyphen is load-bearing. Without it, his masculinity would completely collapse. With it, it’s merely critically endangered. Collects decorative spoons and calls his collection his “legacy.” Has never successfully opened a jar. Apologizes to furniture when he bumps into it. The furniture hasn’t forgiven him. Neither has his penis—they haven’t spoken since 2011.
- Phineas Limpwrist – The name says it all. The wrist isn’t the only thing that’s limp. Could not fight his way out of a conversation about feelings, and honestly, feelings kick his ass every time. Keeps a diary he calls his “feelings journal.” It’s 47 volumes and counting. Volume 48 is titled “Why Won’t My Penis Return My Calls?” His doctor prescribed testosterone supplements, but Phineas thought they were too “aggressive” and switched to homeopathic confidence. It’s just water. Like his orgasms.
Mastering Character Naming Techniques: The Final Lesson
Character naming techniques aren’t just about slapping labels on fictional people—they’re promises about the size of the truck they drive, both literally and metaphorically. When your protagonist bursts through a door, is he a Brick Hardcastle, ready to impregnate the villain’s daughter and his wife? Or is he a Percival Whimpersnatch who brought emergency chamomile tea and a signed consent form in triplicate?
Both are valid. Both can be brilliant. But you’d better deliver on the promise you’re making, because readers remember when you introduce someone named “Flint Steele” and he turns out to be afraid of confrontation and his own shadow.
Effective character naming techniques mean understanding the weight of nomenclatural destiny. A name sets expectations, establishes tone, and tells your reader exactly what kind of story they’re in for. Choose a name that contradicts your character’s nature, and you’re writing comedy. Choose a name that perfectly matches it, and you’re writing clarity.
Dick Johnson, wherever you are, Facebook says we should connect. Maybe we should. Maybe you’re the friend I need who can open jars and explain to women why hanging around me is a good idea. “He’s friends with Dick Johnson” sounds like an endorsement. A substantial endorsement.
Stay hard out there, Dick. That’s what your name suggests anyway.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to Percival Whimpersnatch that this is satire. He’s already crying. And filing a complaint. With his therapist. And the Better Business Bureau. And his mother.
Key Takeaways
- Character naming techniques impact readers’ perceptions, conveying traits before characters even speak.
- Manly names suggest strength and dominance, while less manly names evoke humor and vulnerability.
- The article humorously contrasts names like ‘Dick Johnson’ with ‘Percival Whimpersnatch’ to highlight naming significance.
- A well-chosen name aligns with character behavior, while mismatched names create comedic tension.
- Ultimately, names promise the character’s role and story tone, driving reader expectations.
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His first manuscript was composed entirely of punctuation marks and confused sketches. He's since published "Not Bukowski" (poems that don't rhyme) and "Slop and Swell from a Festering Mind" (essays so concerning that bookstores check on his wellbeing). He once spent three hours photographing a rare bird that turned out to be a plastic bag, and he's the only person banned from church bake sales for "weaponized brownies." Inheriting absurdism from Vonnegut and Adams, sprawling narratives from Irving, and weaponized failure from Moore, he writes about conflicted everymen struggling through supernatural chaos. He remains unconvinced that birds aren't surveillance drones.
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